- Stress And Marriage, Stress And Marriage...

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Stress And Marriage, Stress And Marriage...

It's An Institute That You Can Manage: Learning To Handle Money Together Is A Key

In this column:

When American husbands and wives are asked what they argue about, money is always near the top of the list -- in part because each partner has a different attitude toward money
This column will help you assess your household's stressful behavior patterns about money, then take control of money's role in the family.

IBS illustration by Melissa Warp Getting, having, saving and spending money is a major area of stress for all people, wealthy and poor, and especially for married couples. How you deal with money, or the lack of it, says a lot about who you are. Do you hold tight to every penny, or do you spend it as quick as you get it? What happens if your spouse is just the opposite, the more you want to save, the more she wants to buy?

You have constructed a constant stressor in your home, that's what.

You're a Spender, She's a Saver

If you are fortysomething or younger, you may never have learned to save money the same way your grandparents did. The Depression generation "put it away for a rainy day." If your family suffers financial setbacks or knows poverty when you are young, you may grow up to be a tightwad, choosing to squirrel your pennies away into multiple bank accounts, certificates of deposit, and insurance policies.

But maybe you never knew hard times and practice the "you can't take it with you" school of finance. Paying off credit card debt doesn't worry you. Living from paycheck to paycheck is your normal way of life.

Cheapskate and spendthrift are the two extremes. Most of us are somewhere in between. The way you choose to handle money leads to power struggles in a marriage. And marital battles over family finances create a difficult-to-resolve, almost constant source of stress at home.

Money In The Family

Ask yourself whether you fall into any of these troublesome behavior patterns regarding the role money plays in your household or family.

Who's In Charge Here? Let's say you earn $40,000 a year and your spouse earns $20,000. Do you feel you should be in charge of the money because you make more? Do you send not-so-subtle hints that, as the main breadwinner, you can buy what you want, without first discussing it with your family?

Money Makes The Man? Is your personal identity dependent on money? If your wife gets a higher-paying job than you, do you feel threatened? Do you buy your children toys and clothes that you can't really afford so that their schoolmates will think you are well off? Carrot, Stick And Dollar Bill Do you use money to reward behavior or assign worth? When you want to reward your spouse, are you generous? When you feel angry, do you tighten your purse strings? Do you buy more for one child than for another? Do you drive a brand new car, wear fancy suits, and use a newly upgraded computer, while your spouse has to make due with the old car, Kmart clothes and Windows 3.1?

If you said yes to any of these questions, money is probably a big source of stress in your household.

Quiz your family: Take this quiz from the Motley Fool to see if your family has misconceptions about money and investing.

Stop The Family Stress Over Money

You can provide some relief.

In an ideal world, a family shares everything equally. "Mine" and "yours" would not exist. In reality, it takes married couples decades to achieve financial equality and balance. Sometimes it is easier to assign one set of money responsibilities to the husband and another set to the wife. Each gets to decide on their particular issues. Kind of like the "good fences make good neighbors" approach. For example, one spouse has authority over the utility bills and the other one over the insurance payments. Each spouse then gets to decide whether they want to spend or save the monies that are left over. This helps ends the constant sniping.
Sit down with your family and discuss money. Share your finances, in a general way, with your kids, and in a specific way with your spouse. Knowledge is power, and kids deserve to know when times are tough. Empowering your family will reduce stress.
Read through your checkbook. If you want to see where your priorities lay, look at what you spent money on in the past year. Evaluate your purchases. Were you fair to your family?
Make a list of things that are more important to you than money. Ask your spouse to do the same. Together, redirect your energies to those things and spend less time and energy worrying about money.
Never sneak out and buy things behind your spouse's back. Agree to disagree until you can agree on how to spend money. Sometimes waiting a few days, chatting leisurely before deciding to buy, will make both partners feel they are equal money partners.

Remember, the more you and your spouse understand finances, the more likely you'll talk about money and share in the decision-making processes. Learn all you can, and share that knowledge with each other.