Jacqueline Tresl, R.N., gives tips on coping with stressDid you ever wonder why some people are exuberant and careless while others are cautious and reserved? Have you ever met a person who at first acts intimidating and mean-spirited, then showers you with compliments?
All people are unsure as they begin to establish relationships with new people. Until a relationship is clearly defined -- whether it's "you are my boss" or "you are my girlfriend" -- people are bound to make incorrect assumptions about each other.
The irony is, even after a relationship is well established and the rules of engagement are understood, interpersonal conflicts can often increase rather than subside.
It seems like an oxymoron. Wouldn't it stand to reason that the better we know someone, the more positive our feelings should become? Instead, many times, familiarity does breed contempt, and those whom we like most are the very people we push away. We experience mega-doses of mental and emotional stress when we don't get along well with our friends, co-workers and family, often enduring interpersonal relationship stress for a very long time.
Let's say that your wife of 15 years complains that you're lazy and sloppy. You think she's obsessive-compulsive and can't understand why a dust bunny under the bed freaks her out. You want her to snuggle up and watch "Law & Order," but her constant nagging keeps you bristled. Instead of displaying affectionate feelings toward her, you display anger.
According to Dr. Albert Ellis, father of the Rational Emotive Behavior method of psychotherapy, anger damages interpersonal relationships, often ruining the relationhips that we hold most dear.Says Ellis, "You may believe … that anger is something we direct mostly at people we dislike … but we more commonly make ourselves angry at individuals we know well."
How can we be so frequently angry with those we love? Why do we feel chronic hostility towards our business partner?
The reason is that we have different personalities -- unavoidably. We can brush these aside in a casual acquaintance. But in close relationships, personality differences come to the fore and are carefully scrutinized. That can cause frustration and anger.
What happens when you feel angry? Your fight-or-flight response kicks in, your heart rate, breathing and metabolism increase, and your mind and body experience stress.
According to Robert Sapolsky, a biology and neuroscience professor at Stanford University, the physical changes associated with frequent bouts of anger damage our cardiovascular systems. So when interpersonal relationships cause us stress and we respond with anger and anxiety, we are damaging our physical as well as mental health.
How can we learn to understand our personality differences? How can we build relationship bridges rather than relationship bombs?
By learning to understand our personality and the personality types of others, and by using that knowledge to reduce the stress inherent in our closest relationships.
Does he become more assertive than normal, or more passive? Assess the person's assertiveness level by what he says -- is he shouting demands or mumbling ineffective suggestions? -- and how he acts -- is he directing his energy outward or shrinking back?
Close observation will help you understand how your co-worker or loved one will likely react when engaged in a disagreement with you. Then you can control your own reaction.
Let's say you observe that your husband turns quiet and withdrawn when emotionally threatened. So if you try to confront him about a touchy issue in your marriage, you should not be surprised that his immediate response is to high-tail it away from you, not returning home until the middle of the night when you are already fast asleep.
Instead of taking his reaction personally -- instead of saying to yourself, "If he loved me, he'd stay home and hammer this out with me" -- you need to understand that when hubby feels threatened, he becomes passive, and his natural inclination is to avoid the issues at hand.
Consider the "get-it-done" personality type, always focused on the task at hand. This type wants to have the task done and over with as soon as possible.
Or the "get-it-right" personality type, absorbed in not making a mistake, sometimes so much so that rather than looking before leaping, he never leaps at all.
Or the "get-along" type who puts everyone else's needs before his own, letting his personal desires become less important than his desire to get along with another person.
Or the "get-appreciation" type, who needs to be seen and recognized, even if he appears foolish.
Imagine the potential relationship friction that may exist between a husband and wife if he's powered by a get-it-done personality and she trots along with a get-it-right personality.
--Jacqueline Tresl, R.N., a coronary intensive care nurse and nursing supervisor for over 20 years, writes about health and happiness for newspapers and magazines. She recently published her first book, "Whoever Heard of a Horse In The House?"
April 26, 2000
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