Jacqueline Tresl, R.N., gives tips on coping with stressEditor's note: With an eye on Valentine's Day, Jacqueline Tresl today continues a series of three columns exploring stress in love and relationships.
Couples in long-term relationships may have overcome some major bumps in the road, but maintaining the relationship still can be stressful. That's especially true for a typical married couple. His right-brain, type-A perfectionism vs. her left-brain, nurturing multi-tasking ... it's a miracle that any marriage lasts longer than a year.
It's so easy for a couple to slide into a harping, demeaning, hassling perpetual battle. Your partner, instead of reducing your stress, often adds to it, big time.
I've surveyed a lot of married couples, and, to generalize, this is what I've noticed: There are two styles of marriage, intertwined and independent.Intertwined couples rely (perhaps too much) on each other. His bedtime is her bedtime. They are often overheard repeating identical phrases. Theirs is the my-tragedy-is-his-tragedy philosophy of marriage.
The independents are more footloose. He forgets to share his demotion at work with her; she doesn't tell him about her speeding ticket. They pass each other over a quick cup of coffee during the week and make appointments to spend quality couple time on the weekends. They have a joint bank account, but he has his own friends and hobbies. She's always glad to spend a week away from him with her sisters.
The independents set themselves up for instant relationship stress.
Granted, an intertwined style of marriage may not be New Age, but it does offer many pluses. When a husband and wife are emotionally dependent on each other, their marriage can serve as a tranquilizer to soothe their collective stressors.
While independent couples enjoy more personal freedoms, they set themselves up for a never-ending litany of hassles and disagreements, because they are so often apart, so seldom joined physically, mentally and emotionally.
When in doubt, if you want less stress in the marriage -- and if you want it to survive -- intertwine, don't push for more independence.
Buy him the air compressor he's been wanting, even though you think that's a dumb present. It's what he wants. His needs should matter to you. When she tells you she needs to talk, don't roll your eyes, flip on the TV and pretend to listen. Would you prefer that she sought out somebody else? If the answer is no, then show her you care. Put your arm around her, and encourage her to talk.
Spend time together, doing things other than mundane tasks. Remember how you used to tickle her, and then roll around in the grass? How you'd drive 50 miles to sit on the beach, to cuddle her under the sunset? Maybe you need a refresher course on cuddling (link from The Marriage Toolbox). A good marriage can bust up the stress of life, until death do us part. Other instalments in this series: --Jacqueline Tresl, R.N., a coronary intensive care nurse and nursing supervisor for over 20 years, writes about health and happiness for newspapers and magazines. Her first book, "Whoever Heard of a Horse In The House?" is scheduled for release in March.
Take this quiz from marriagesupport.com: How Well Do You Listen?More Lovin' Links
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