Falling In Love -- And Into Stress!

When Love Is New, You Can Avoid Planting Stress Land Mines For Yourself

Editor's note: With an eye on Valentine's Day, Jacqueline Tresl today begins a series of three columns exploring stress in love and relationships.

The editor of my regional newspaper, Greg, is a 43-year-old, real, live, eligible, stud-muffin bachelor. Up until last month, he'd been dating the same woman for three years.

A few days ago, I had reason to call the woman, a pediatric nurse. At the end of our conversation, I asked when she and Greg would be getting married.

"We won't be," she said. "Greg broke up with me."

"Why? You two have been together forever."

"Greg says commitment stresses him out. While we dated, he liked to tell people he and I were suffering through a r-r-r-r-r-r-relationship," she said.

Suddenly Stress Is So Plentiful!

Let's say you meet a woman and fall in love. Two months pass. You want to spend a fly-fishing weekend with your old college buddies. She wants to drive upstate and introduce you to her parents. You're faced with a choice -- her needs or yours. Go upstate with her and feel resentment; spend the weekend with the boys and be plagued with guilt.

Voilá: instant relationship stress.

Shouldn't her needs be your needs? And what's the deal with all the petty, meaningless arguments?

Romantic relationships often begin with animal magnetism. When you fall in love, you're apt to fall hard. The peaks are sublime, but the valleys are the pits. One day you feel ebullient, desired, manic; the next day, you want to kill.

It's the roller-coaster nature of the Love Beast, part of the price of admission.

So you say you want to feel happy more often than hassled? You want to slip and slide through life beside your gal pal, without kicking up too many waves?

Then learn how to minimize relationship stress.

Don't Plant Land Mines

From the first date, be honest. Don't exaggerate, even about little things, because one day, if you're still together, the truth will dribble out.

Let's say, on date number 3, you tell your romantic someone that you graduated summa cum laude, when actually, you were chronically C+. You figure it's a tiny meaningless white lie, intended to make her crave you as much as you crave her.

It works. Soon, she moves in with you, until she finds your transcripts in the drawer while she's folding her pantyhose.

All of a sudden, she's ripping up your transcript, dumping out your drawers, screaming, "You liar! I'll never be able to trust another word you say!" All that fulmination could have been avoided if it hadn't been for your little white lie.

Click here for a crash course in "radical honesty" -- How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth.

Expectations are disappointed when he doesn't realize what she wants -- or when she doesn't even know herself.

Smooth the path by understanding what you are looking for in a romantic liaison. List on paper your needs and feelings, then share this inventory with your partner. Click here for a tutorial on relationship goal-setting. Never assume that your partner knows what you need -- don't keep it a secret.

Is This One A Keeper?

Is there chemistry? Do you gaze at your sweetie and break out in goose bumps? Do you think he's the smartest, most handsome, most virile guy you've ever met? If so, you have chemistry.

Are you compatible? Do you share similar lifestyles? Are your professional and personal goals in sync?

Do you have common values? Do your beliefs about right and wrong resemble hers?

A couple can go for a long time on sexual chemistry and overlook that they have opposing values or disparate future plans. You can't spend your life in the bedroom. Prevent a stressful relationship by bonding with someone you like and respect.

And never begin a relationship thinking that you'll be the one to change him. If he's an alcoholic, you'll never stop him from drinking. If he's addicted to TV, don't think you'll be able to pry him away.

Romantic relationships can be glorious and treacherous, both at the same time. Eliminate some of the stress through honest communication and realistic goals. Don't lose Mr. Right over a tainted transcript.

Other installments in this series:

• Feb. 3: How your relationship style affects the stress level