Now duct tape gray is set to become the new black, and plastic the new cotton ... or something like that.

And nut-job survivalists from Montana, Idaho and Arizona are suddenly feeling vindicated for all the years they've spent sleeping on beds made of peanut-butter-and-jelly meals ready to eat.

Yes, war does funny things to a country -- especially when there's not actually a war. This whole thing has the feel of an Internet hoax to me, and seems to inspire quite a bit of weirdness.

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Nowhere is that weirdness more evident than in the government's response to it all. While I am wholly appreciative of the government's efforts, and would certainly never want to write the sort of inflammatory rhetoric that would earn me a one-way ticket to Cuba's lovely shores, I have to ask:

Plastic and duct tape?!!

It's as if the Department of Homeland Security is actually being run by Dave Barry.

Actually, this would make a lot of sense.

Recently, I read that the military is using seals to patrol the Persian Gulf. No, not Navy SEALs. Seals -- well, sea lions to be exact.

According London's Guardian newspaper, the sea lions use a "clamp attached to a line that the animal can fix to the suspect's leg, marking him with a surface buoy and letting troops on the surface haul him in like a fish."

Meanwhile, on terra firma, tanks that would do battle in Iraq will be equipped with chickens as part of -- I am not making this up -- Operation KFC.

Sea lions? Chickens? And, lest we forget, Turkey.

But who am I to criticize? In the spirit of the government's grassroots defence tactics, I started searching my home for other common items that might be useful in an attack:

First off, I am surprised and concerned that we are not being encouraged to stockpile Bondo. This magical substance is traditionally used for auto-body repair but can be put to a number of uses -- from hair gel to building a shelter.

A cookie sheet makes a great shield. A trash bag can double as a poncho. And, as we all learned from that Tom Hanks movie, videotape can also serve as rope.

Coffee filters, when taped to the face, become air filtration systems. Equally, you can remain vigilant by tilting your head back, placing coffee grinds on your air filtration system, and pouring hot water into your mouth.

A coffee can -- if large enough -- doubles as a great medieval knight-style helmet. Be sure however, to poke eyeholes in the can.

Duct-taping frying pans to your chest makes for great body armour, and leaves you ever-ready to prepare breakfast.

And finally, two words: pillow fort.

Feel free to print out this column and keep it handy in case of an emergency. However, I do ask that you keep it wrapped in duct tape at all times.

Chris Cope is married, with no children. His column appears every other Tuesday.