BOSTON -- Am I the only unlucky shlub in America who didn't get a dime from Jack Abramoff? Because frankly, that's how it's starting to look.

Granted, I am a person of very limited influence (just ask my kids), and have no pull that I know of with any major Congressional subcommittee. But still.

I mean, Jack and I went to school together. During a very intense and formative part of our lives. Shouldn't that be enough to cut me into even a teeny-weeny piece of the action? Don't old school ties count for anything anymore? Is there no honor left among thieves?

OK, we didn't actually go to school together. Not at the same time. But we did go to the same school. And we only missed each other by a single year. (That's only four months on the academic calendar.)

I know, I know -- he's a very bad man, he did some very bad things (and had about half of Congress doing them right along with him), and he doesn't look like a B-movie villain for nothing.

Abramoff is radioactive now and all the millions he doled out to politicians, from the president on down, is tainted money which the recipients now cannot donate to charity fast enough. Bush is returning a $6000 campaign donation linked to Abramoff. House Speaker Dennis Hastert has dumped over $70,000 in donations tied to Abramoff. (Funny, Mr. President, Mr. Speaker -- but that Abramoff money didn't seem so tainted before he got caught, did it?)

But it's a New Year, and I am resolved to have some new resolutions, dammit. (Especially since last year's, well, I don't even remember what they were now.)

So, as it appears I was not, and will not be, a fat and happy passenger on the Jack Abramoff gravy train, I am resolving to shed the slightest personal taint I might have of dealing with this larcenous scoundrel.

(Unless you're reading this Jack, and even at this late hour, possibly through some carefully coded instructions to a trusted associate on the outside, you are able to still funnel me a few grand or so. Yes? No? Maybe? Alright, I'm going on here ... )

So I called our alma mater. Jack's and mine.

Yes, Brandeis University confirmed, Jack Abramoff graduated from Brandeis University. (I knew that.) In 1981, they confirmed. (I knew that, too.) I wanted to know if Abramoff had donated any money to the school over the last, oh, 10 years or so. Not that I have ever donated money as an alum, but then, I wasn't throwing millions of dollars around to every Tom (DeLay), Dick (Cheney), and Harry (Reid) over the last 10 years, either.

Besides, I reasoned, if Abramoff could take in $30 million in protection and shake-down money from just one Indian tribe alone, shouldn't he have been expected to kick back a mere mill or so to the only Jewish-sponsored, nonsectarian college or university in America? Especially since Abramoff has made a big deal of his orthodox Judaism. He even founded a religious school (Eshkol Academy) in Maryland. (It has since folded amid an on-going storm of allegations and lawsuits; a holy mess, if you will.)

"No", Brandeis Director of Media Relations Dennis Nealon told me, "We cannot tell you whether or not Abramoff has donated money to Brandeis."

I thought of explaining that my own sense of what it means to hold a degree from Brandeis hung in the balance. I mean, perhaps it will affect whether I myself will feel less inclined to donate now. Maybe I will feel less inclined now to contact the alumni office and have them lift my name from their "Don't Call" list. (My name having been put there after receiving one too many calls from them during dinnertime.)

But my efforts were futile. Nealon mentioned something about some federal statute protecting the confidentiality of student records and that was it. Alas, maybe the next dorm or lecture hall to be built at Brandeis will be built with tainted money, maybe it won't.

"Are you getting calls from other concerned alumni?" I wondered. Mine was the first, Nealon said.

He had, he conceded, received calls from some other media outlets, mostly seeking a yearbook photo of Abramoff. Which presumably, is also covered under the laws regarding student confidentiality. (You'd think Abramoff would want a fresh-faced, innocent looking picture of himself to compete with the Mafia Don image of himself currently out there.)

So, I've tried.

I have made the attempt. Having made a sincere New Year's resolution to do everything I can do to separate and distance myself from my own (admittedly small) role in the widening Abramoff scandal, I have to face the fact that I can do no more.

Yes, Jack Abramoff and I went to the same school. Ate at the same dining hall. Perhaps even sat in the same seats. But I'm clean. I never took a dime from him, nor has he (to this point, anyway) offered me a dime. Or a grand. Or 10. Or half a million.

But if you're reading this Jack, (I assume you still have access to the net, right?), I am still open to being contacted. You may be interested to know that I have located a mutual friend from our Brandeis days. And he apparently has a very interesting story to tell about you ...