Breast Cancer Diagnosis Impacts Kids, Families

BOSTON -- Breast cancer does not just affect a patient, it affects her entire family. When a woman has children at home, it can be a challenge to care for their physical and emotional needs as well as her own.

In between horseplay, the children of the Cha family of Arlington had lots of questions. Janice Hayes-Cha said, "My daughter asked, 'who is going to be my mommy if I died?'"

Dr. Julie Silver's daughter often expressed her concerns in the form of statements.

"Anna, my youngest, who was 3, said 'mommy you don't look pretty anymore.' It was her way of saying there's something wrong here, and I don't understand what it is."

So how do you help children cope when you're still reeling from the diagnosis yourself? Breast cancer struck Hayes-Cha when she was 43. She and her husband, Jang Ho, had just finished having four kids in four years.

"Our kids were so young, it was hard to know how to approach it with them. My gut feeling was that we had to be straight with them because they're very observant," said Hayes-Cha.

Her husband, Jang Ho Cha, said, "Your initial instinct is to shelter your kids from anything bad. If it were up to me, I would never let anything bad happen to my kids. That's not realistic and not the best thing we can do for them."

The Chas were referred to the PACT program at Massachusetts General Hospital. It stands for Parenting At A Challenging Time.

"Children need to know the name of the illness. To call it breast cancer, not a 'lump' or a 'bump' or a 'boo boo,' for many reasons. If a parent using a euphemism. If a child gets a lump or bump they may worry it's the same cancer a parent has," said Dr. Paula Rauch, who runs the PACT program.

Silver's three children recently decided to write a book about their family's experience.

"It takes a long time for mom's hair to grow back," her son, Alex, wrote. "I think it's better if family talks about it. Mom and dad can give general information about cancer. Maybe kids who don't understand can be worse than truth of cancer."

And how should parents handle questions about their own death? "It is a hard question, that usually comes early on," said Rauch. She advises parents to reassure their child that, "My doctors and I are not worrying about that now, we are coming up with the best treatment."

NewsCenter 5's Kelley Tuthill reported that other ways to get your kids talking include asking questions like, "How do you think mommy got cancer?" Try to keep routines as normal as possible and appoint someone to coordinate all the offers of help. Most of all, assure children they are loved, and will always be cared for.

Julie Silver said, "I would never wish a family to go through serious illness but if you have to, one gift you can give to your children is resilience. The opportunity to be happy again, joyful and bring laughter in the home."

Her husband agreed. "We didn't stop laughing, joking around. We thought it was important to show kids life can be tough you can approach it how you want."

The Chas couldn't agree more.

"Our kids will have tough things and the only thing we can do is show an example of how one handles a situation one doesn't choose, but you have to deal with."

"People help you and you help them," Janice added. "Plus," she said with a laugh, "I liked getting loads of free meals from our friends."

It can often be tough to tell if your kids are having trouble coping with your illness, or if they are just being kids. Dr. Rauch said if your children are having difficulty at school, with friends or exhibiting risky behaviors, you may want to seek professional help.