Hot Topics:

Young Dad's Effort Not Enough?

Wife Frustrated By Husband's Lack Of Responsibility

POSTED: 5:46 pm EST December 2, 2005

comments

Dear Double Take,
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 months. We have a 3-month-old daughter who couldn't be more of a blessing.
My husband is in the military, preparing for his second deployment to Iraq, and I am a full-time bank teller. We constantly fight over the amount of responsibility and effort he puts into taking care of our daughter.
He is a wonderful father, it's just that sometimes I don't think he is aware of the fact that we can't have the life we did before she was born. We're both still young -- he's 22 and I'm 21.
He hasn't come to the realization that we have a responsibility to our daughter. She takes a lot of attention. His idea of watching her is putting her down on a blanket and pillow and playing video games and talking to her every once in a while. His idea of taking care of her is getting up with her only on the weekends, claiming that he can't do it during the week because he has to go to work.
Our daughter is beginning to react to voices and beginning to know who is who. Whenever he has her, however, she starts to get fussy or upset. Instead of comforting her and getting her to know who he is, he quickly gives her to me or our mothers. I have run out of ways to talk to him.
He loves our daughter to death, I'm just worried that with him returning to Iraq, and her already not knowing who he is, that it's going to be so much worse when he comes home. What can I do?

EDDIE SAYS:

It can be hard for any man, especially a young man, to give up the life that he thinks he's entitled to. That's even more true when he probably has a lot of friends and brothers-in-arms who can joystick their way through life without anyone hassling them.

I'm also sure that after what would likely be a stressful time in theater under the rules and regulations of the military, he wants to just do what he wants to do.

Your letter doesn't indicate how gung-ho he is or how he feels about the concept of duty, but it may be a way to approach him on this. The military tries to instill the merits of responsibility and mission in its members.

Talk to him in those terms. He signed on for the long haul, now he's got to man his post, follow all the regulations and lead the charge to good parenting. He's got you behind him, but he has to be a father of one to make it work.

ALANA SAYS:

Another aspect of this issue might be your husband's lack of familiarity with babies. A 3-month-old ... how should I put this ... really isn't that much fun -- at least not for a guy who isn't used to caring for an immobile baby who can't verbally express herself yet.

Maybe he doesn't know how to interact with her. Suggest some specific activities, whether it be reading to her, helping her play with developmental toys, going on walks, etc.

And get him involved in watching for -- and working toward -- developmental milestones. The more interested he is in the "project" of raising a child, the better he'll bond with his young daughter.

And although I get why you're concerned about their interaction, my guess is your husband and daughter will outgrow this stage. As she gets older, he'll step into a more concrete role as a dad.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Dear Double Take,
My sister and I have not spoken to each other in three years. It all stems from a fallout between her and my husband over a family business, after which she left the business. Six months after that fight, she came to me for some financial help. I wanted to help, but my husband said no. We have not spoken since.
I've tried to contact her a few times -- e-mails, cards, etc. -- but to no avail. She loathes the ground I walk on. She ended up going to school and getting a degree. I hear she is doing very well and even got married.
We live in the same town, and our kids go to the same high school. It is so hard when we pass one another as strangers.
This past year, I was taken ill. A lump was found on one of my breasts (which turned out to be benign). When the word "cancer" was suggested, the first thing I thought of was my kids ... the second, my sister.
I think it a tragedy that I will go on for the rest of my life not having a sister. I wish I could turn back time; I would have been there for her.

ALANA SAYS:

Beating yourself up over your decision three years ago isn't going to change what's happening now.

Living in such close proximity, I imagine it takes a lot of work to completely ignore someone. She must be pretty dedicated to this feud to make such an effort.

That just means it'll take a lot of effort on your part to make sure she understands how you feel. Trying to contact her with e-mails and cards is great, but nothing is going to change until you address what happened three years ago.

It sounds like you'd welcome the opportunity to apologize -- in which case, do so. If you don't feel an apology is necessary, express how sorry you are that things have ended up this way. Ask her what it will take to make things better between you.

Perhaps when she sees how committed you are to mending the relationship, some of her anger will melt away.

EDDIE SAYS:

This is one of those moments where you really have to bear in mind that the only person that you can control is yourself.

Do what you can. Send cards. Send letters. Every once in a while leave a phone message. You do those things because you know it stands the best chance of rekindling the relationship with your sister.

However, while doing that you also have to manage your expectations. You're making an effort, but the chances of it being reciprocated are low. That's fine. Sometimes we do things that we know to be right, even if others don't enjoy them.

It's a noble undertaking, even if not always a successful one.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

Double Take Archive:

More Archives ...

Copyright 2008, Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
The story Young Dad's Effort Not Enough? is provided by LifeWhile.

Video recommendation engine and related videos widget powered by Taboola