Dear DoubleTake,My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years. We have a son that is just about to graduate from high school. My son and I have a pretty good relationship and can talk about almost anything.However, my husband and son barely have a relationship at all. My husband is always picking at the small stuff my son does and most times is just looking for something to argue about with him.Our son will be graduating a little later than planned, but I can deal with that as long as he gets there. I have talked to my son about applying himself, and he knows I believe in him. But my husband uses this fact as an insult. For example, my husband had been playing a game on the computer for more than three hours. Our son came home from work and asked if he could get on the computer. My husband got off the computer, went outside for a few minutes, then came back in and said, "So do you plan on graduating anytime this year?" Needless to say, our son's feelings were very hurt.I can't take much more. I think my husband is jealous of our son for some reason. This has gotten so bad that I that am almost convinced he would rather be single.
BETTY SAYS:I'd say it's time to step up as mama bear and protect your son.
Perhaps your husband doesn't realize that his "tough love" is doing significant damage. So instead of nagging his deaf ears, try to find a mediator who can intervene and give him some clarity. It could be a relationship counselor, a religious leader, one of your son's teachers or a friend who can understand his predicaments at school. Allow that person to shoulder some of the burden you both have been feeling.
Also, I would like for you to write a letter to your husband and your son to write a letter to his father. Without using a threatening tone, find a way to tell him that he's running the risk of losing his family if he doesn't lighten up. Remind your husband that your love for family is strong and that your son needs a supportive environment to make things right at school.
However, if he doesn't comply, you'll need to make the hard decision on whether or not to separate.
EDDIE SAYS:That's great advice about how to try to save your marriage.
But I worry a bit about how you try to handle your son. Failing to get through high school -- not to excel, but just to graduate -- indicates some pretty serious deficiencies in either effort or ability. I imagine the situation embarrasses and frustrates your husband.
From your tone, I suspect he also feels that you too quickly excuse your son's failures and try very hard to make sure he doesn't feel too bad about flunking.
Sarcasm usually doesn't make the best motivator, so your husband does need to find another tool, most likely. But he may feel that he has to overcompensate for someone else's coddling. Your husband may not be doing things the best way, but you also need to ensure that you think about whether the way you treat your son really benefits him in the long run.
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